Dear Mom’s, Your Sleep Matters Just as Much as Your Partner’s.

Why maternal exhaustion isn’t inevitable, it’s the product of an unequal system.

One of the most common stories I hear from new mothers goes something like this:

“My partner works, and I ‘just’ stay home, so I do the nights.”

I don’t just hear those words from clients, I’ve said them myself, with all four of my children.

My husband genuinely wanted to help with nights, but I told him no. I told myself, “All I have to do is take care of the baby and kids. I don’t need sleep as much as he does.”

It sounded reasonable on the surface: he had to get up for work, so I took the night shift. But when you look closer, that logic falls apart.

That dynamic left me, and so many other mothers, barely sleeping, overwhelmed, and struggling with mental health that frayed more each day. I can confidently say I TRULY suffered from self-inflicted sleep deprivation because of this false belief.

Let’s be very clear:
This is not sustainable. It’s not equitable. And it’s not safe for mothers OR their babies.

At Matricentric Health & Well Care, we center mothers because the truth is simple:
your rest, your mental health, and your healing matter just as much as anyone else’s in the home.

The Myth: Their Sleep Matters More Because They “Work”

Paid work is often treated as the most valuable labor, which implies that the person at home with the baby is doing “less”, or not even “work”. But caring for a baby is a full-shift job, often more demanding than anything in the workplace:

• You’re recovering from pregnancy and birth.

• You’re feeding and soothing around the clock.

• You’re carrying the mental load and anticipating every need.

• You are never off-duty.

When one partner’s rest is protected and the other’s is sacrificed, it sends an unspoken message that one person’s health, energy, and wellbeing matter more.

That is inequity, NOT partnership.

If You Wouldn’t Want Your Nanny That Tired, Why Is It Okay for You?

I often ask mothers to imagine this:
You’re hiring someone to care for your baby. Someone loving, responsible, and experienced. But they haven’t slept more than 2-3 hours at a time in weeks (or months!).

Would you trust them to safely hold, feed, soothe, possibly even drive, and make decisions for your baby?

Of course not.

Yet mothers are expected to do exactly that, daily, alone, and without complaint, because we’ve been taught that our rest is optional, our exhaustion normal, and our needs don’t really matter.

But you are performing life-sustaining labor. You’re not “just home with the baby.” You are the person keeping an entirely new human alive while your own body heals from the monumental work of creating one.

Sleep isn’t selfish. It’s a basic need.

Why His Sleep Isn’t More Important Than Yours

When we protect the working partner’s rest and sacrifice the mother’s, we reinforce a centuries-old belief: that paid labor counts, and caregiving doesn’t.

But let’s be honest, both are work.
Both require focus, patience, and energy.

I’ve lived the version of motherhood where my partner went off to work rested, and I stayed home trying to function on a few scattered hours of sleep. I remember fantasizing about checking myself into the psych floor of the hospital because I knew I would have to stay at least a few days and I would be able to sleep. I also constantly felt like I was teetering on the brink of insanity. I LOVED being a mom, I loved my baby and my kids, but my body and brain were running on empty and I suffered because of it.

Your body is healing. Your hormones are recalibrating. Your mind is adapting to a completely new identity. You are on call 24/7, and that’s before considering any other children or household demands.

A mother running on fumes isn’t just “tired.” She’s in danger of physical depletion and postpartum mood disorders.

You can’t pour from an empty cup, and technically you can mother from one, but is it really fair to you or your children to do so?

Looking back I know my kids deserved better, and I deserved better.

Equitable Sleep Takes Intention, Not Luck

Equity doesn’t happen on its own. It requires planning, communication, and a shared belief that both parents’ health matters equally.

I’ve had to unlearn a lot of the societal conditioning that told me it was my job to do it all. Here’s what I wish I had known with my own babies, and what I tell mothers (and partners) now.

1. Make Real Sleep Possible — for Both of You

For sleep to be restorative, it must be protected.
That means the “off-duty” parent truly gets a solid block of uninterrupted rest.

Here’s what that can look like:

• The sleeping partner stays far enough away not to hear the baby or monitor, yes, that might mean separate rooms or the baby’s bassinet moved temporarily.

• The “on-duty” parent takes full responsibility during their shift , NO “Can you just help for a second?” moments.

• Real rest means the other person isn’t half-listening or half-helping. It means full sleep.

This setup often feels extreme at first, but once you experience how much better you both function, it stops feeling optional and starts feeling essential.

2. Plan Ahead for Feeding Logistics

If your body is the one making milk for the baby, that SHOULD NOT automatically make you the default night parent. Planning ahead allows both partners to share responsibility:

• Pump or hand express milk for one or two nighttime feeds.

• The non-lactating partner can do every non-feeding task: diaper changes, burping, swaddling, soothing, and resettling.

• Alternate who handles each waking or even alternate entire nights.

Think of it like shift work, you cover each other so no one burns out.
When you’re the only one awake every night, your nervous system never gets a break. Shared responsibility means both parents stay more regulated and more connected. This benefits your whole family.

3. Treat Nighttime Like a Shift Job

This is key. Whoever is on duty is in charge for that block of time.

That means they handle everything , feedings, diaper changes, comforting, and the sleeping partner is completely off the clock.

No waking the other for input or reassurance. No nudging because “the baby won’t settle.”
You figure it out like you would at any other job, because this is work and you signed up for this job.

When it’s your turn to sleep, you do it guilt-free, because your partner will get the same courtesy when it’s their shift.

That is REAL partnership and TRUE equity.

4. Rethink What ‘Work’ Really Means

If their job matters, so does yours.
If they need sleep to function, so do you.

Paid work doesn’t trump the physical, emotional, and mental demands of caregiving. Both matter, deeply.

This isn’t about competition, it’s about acknowledging caregiving as real labor that requires real rest. Both partners deserve to be functional human beings, not one fully rested adult and one barely surviving mother.

This Is About Health, Not Perfection

Mothers who are chronically sleep-deprived are more likely to experience anxiety, depression, intrusive thoughts, and difficulty bonding. Sleep is medicine, not a luxury.

If you take away one thing, let it be this:
You deserve the same protection, compassion, and care that you would extend to anyone else caring for your child.

Your rest isn’t negotiable. It’s necessary.

At Matricentric Health & Well Care

We believe mothers deserve more than survival.

We believe sleep is sacred, caregiving is work, and equity at home is part of maternal health.

Because when a mother is well-rested, supported, and seen, she thrives and everyone benefits when mothers thrive.